I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
