Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
