they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
