There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
