They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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