i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
