you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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