Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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