You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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