What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
