I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
