I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
