Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have feelings that need drinking.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
