its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
