You're so nebulous sometimes
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
