drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
