my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
