Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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