My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think people are normalizing furries
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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