omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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