So drunk its hurt
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
