I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
