Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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