ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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