we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize