I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
