That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
