My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
