At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
