You really coming over, don't trick.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
