I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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