Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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