This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
