I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
