I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
