The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
