its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
