i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
