i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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