I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
