Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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