Michael Bay diarrhea
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
