This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
