how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just pee around me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
