God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
