Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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