I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Randomize
