It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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