my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
