dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
