Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This girl is more easily done than said...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
