im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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