Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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