just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
