If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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