your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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