You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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