im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Your penis caused this!
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