i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
