Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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