so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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