Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
